Sunday, April 17, 2011

Wrong hat

This is a story from a few weeks ago:

I came into work one morning. While eating my breakfast, checking e-mail, and starting the day 2 of our NCO trainees came in. One of them I've known since I was deployed, Marty. He B-lined it straight to my cubicle and started, "Mac, I need your help and only a douche bag like you can help me with this one." I was excited to help, anytime I'm able to spread my douche-baggery, I'm game! I asked him to fill me in. He continued, "A1C W, stole my hat yesterday and I had to wear his home. I want you to do what you do best, be an asshole and make him feel like shit for me." I humbly agreed and explained my idea to them, I must admit it wasn't the best soul-crushing idea that I've ever had, but I hadn't even started my first cup of coffee when I came up with it.

The plan:

I was going to be out of pocket with the other trainees got in. Marty was going to ask about his hat and tell the Airman that I had his hat. I was going to tell the airman that the hat was in a place that didn't exist. We were going to let it ride as long as we could.

Even though it wasn't a great plan, I think we adapted it well.

The execution:

I came into the office and Marty called me over. He said, "Hey Sgt Mac, this is the Airman I was telling y..." I cut him off, "Oh this is the thief, Mr. sticky fingers, Sir steals alot? Well Airman, what do you have to say for youself? You stole an NCO's cover, that isn't a little infraction, that is a big deal." Airman W stood up to talk to me, "Uhh... Sgt McIntyre, I was told that you have my hat." As he was saying this my coffee started kicking in and I started having a better plan, continue reading to see how it all panned out. I told him that I had it, but since I didn't know who it belonged to, I sent it to the incinerator. I then quickly changed the subject, I forget where I went with it, but I had a perfect segway. When I was done with whatever I was saying, A1C W tried to say something to me but I cut him off with a comment about how I needed more coffee and since he didn't bring me any coffee I had to go get my own. I also made sure that Marty got his hat back.

I went back to my desk and did a few work things. After about 5 or 10 minutes the Airmen (there were 3 airmen, to include the thief) started getting loud with their conversation. In a normal office I would have let this slide, but since it is my job to positively influence these people, I had to shut them up. I had a stack of papers that needed to be shredded. I grabbed 1/3 of them and asked the airmen who was the oldest (I knew that A1C W was the youngest). The oldest spoke up and I handed her the stack of papers and told her to shred them and then send the next youngest to me. She shredded them and then the next guy came over, I gave him his stack. When A1C W came to get his stack, he started with, "Sgt McIntyre, can you show me where the incinerator is?" I quickly responded with, "I see no need for an incinerator, it is just a stack of papers." As I was handing him his papers he tried asking me about his hat and the incinerator. I interrupted him and told him just to use the shredder since he didn't have access to the room where the incinerator was located. I also reminded him to hurry up because I had to escort them all to another office in a few minutes.

Another 10 or 15 minutes passed and I had to get all of the trainees to take them to another office. I was gathering them all and double-checked to make sure that they all had a pen, because I feel that while at work you should always have a pen on you (see 2 posts down). When I was done I told A1C W not to worry about his hat because we weren't going outside.

I dropped them all off at that office and then went to do other stuff all around the building. When I got back from lunch Marty told me about what happened while I was gone.

Apparently W came back asking for his hat so that he could go to lunch. Marty gave him the hat back but before he did he compared the hat to a weapon, saying that if we were in a combat zone and someone left with a weapon that wasn't his or hers then they could get in a ton of trouble and possibly lose rank.

This was a huge 3 or 4 hour gig/gag, but it was a wonderful start to a morning. When the end of the day came, we made sure that W checked to make sure he had the correct hat, and we made fun of him in the days to follow. All in all, I think it wasn't a great prank, but it was a good enough prank.

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